October 3, 2013

TT - The Vitality of Motherhood

It is very rare that I rock Marilyn to sleep. Since she has found her thumb and learned to soothe herself our bedtime routine consists of feed, change into jammies, feed, set her in her crib, a silent I love you through smiles and a rub of the belly then door closed. She may fuss for a few minutes, never longer than five, and it is never a cry, but generally she goes down quietly. Naps can vary though they sometimes take on a similar routine without the pajamas. Last night however, I rocked her to sleep. She had a hard time going down, probably due to a busy day, a shorter than usual afternoon nap, and the possibility of a cold hoovering. I so appreciate this act, the sway, the time I get to just watch and feel her. Watch how her eyes go back and forth until they get heavier and heavier. Watch her mouth tense and then smile, tense and then smile continuously as she falls deeper and deeper. Feel how heavy she gets as she lets go and just falls into my arms, letting her own dangle as we sway together.

Last night as I rocked her I realized how I have been longing for this reality. My twenties have been somewhat of a struggle for me. I have always felt that something was missing. I went from knowing what I wanted to do with my life to not knowing where I was meant to go. I had some great jobs, and lost some great jobs. I moved around constantly trying to find my place in this world, trying to find out who I really am, and often looking in the wrong places, not bad places but the wrong ones. I found a job that I love, married the man that I love and have surrounded myself with wonderful friends and family, but deep down I felt there was something missing. Something within myself that I just could not fill. As I rocked Marilyn to sleep I realized that that thing that was missing was in my arms. That emptiness wasn't really empty but it was a longing, an internal longing that I had to be a mother. Something greater than I could have ever expected. There are still things I desire in life, like that Parisian flat, but this is something I do not believe I could have lived without. I am so thankful that I am able to experience this aspect of life.

Marilyn on a cold morning watching me make some tea.

Snuggled up in her bedtime gear, don't you just love the pouty lip?

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