TT - A Good Father

I am late at getting here today, because I am a little unsure I want to put this all out here. Actually I am writing this and wondering if I will have the guts to hit publish, because I know what this subject means to me. I am a pretty private person and this is not a topic that I open up very often. However this has been running through my head lately and was a reality to me this week so I am mustering up the courage to share. This Thursday I am thankful that Marilyn has a good father, a father that loves her unconditionally (the eyes are welling), and a father that no matter what happens between he and I will never leave her. I think most people strive to give their children a better life than what they had and this rains true for both Robert and I. He says I am already ahead because I never had a father like Marilyn does and that is beyond true.

The other day before work Robert was spending some time with Marilyn in the kitchen area as I was trying to straighten up from breakfast. He has been separated from us lately because he had a nasty cold and I wanted him no where near us in hopes that we wouldn't contract it. This time that they were sharing had been long over due. One of Robert's favorite things to do is play music and sing to Marilyn. He has a few that he hits on a serious rotation, most are sappy, which probably won't surprise you if you know him well. This whole process is rather charming. This particular song is his go to, I think he is already planning to dance at her wedding to this one :)

On this morning he played John Mayer's "Daughters". Have you heard this song and really listened to the lyrics? Well it was written about me, joking, but seriously it is a bit creepy. As Robert and Marilyn swayed back and forth to this song I couldn't help but well up in tears. I don't think he saw or noticed (now he will know) but eventually I had to leave the room. As I was collecting myself in the bedroom I realized these tears were not sad tears, these were not tears for myself even, these were happy tears, happy tears that Marilyn will never know the pain of a forgotten child like I have. 

My father walked out when I was four years old. Four. Now that I am a mother it is even harder for me to understand how someone could do that. I understand that people grow apart, they have differences that they cannot make work, they divorce, but I cannot understand walking away from your children. I did not see or talk to my father for 21 years. It was not until I ran into him at a funeral that our paths finally crossed again. He never tried to reach me nor did I try to reach him. I really only thought of him or my lack of having a father, on Father's Day or during father/daughter dances at weddings. I never missed him, wished he was there, or felt great sorrow that he was not a part of my life. My mother did a tremendous job raising my brother and I, so we never needed him. I figured if he was selfish enough to abandon us then he was not someone I needed in my life, and that is true. Even now that I have crossed paths with him I still want nothing from him. He may have "changed", but he continues to defraud my mother which only hurts my brother and I more, so good riddance. I always asked my mother why she didn't track him down and make his life hell like we watched other divorcees do, but she said she was afraid she would have to share us with him. I didn't understand the legal system then but now I see how that could be a legitimate fear. He is not a good person and I wouldn't want to risk that either.

Seeing him for the first time in a very long time was not quite as shocking as I thought it would be. Honestly he looked nothing like I thought he would. I have five memories of him from my childhood, one involves a purple fish, another involves a worm in an artichoke, there was a smokey card game, the framing of my playhouse, and the last, was the day he left. Before meeting him several years ago all of my memories did not include a face; a voice, the back of his head, but never the face. I did however remember his eyes. I recall them only in one of those memories. As we stood in the hall of our Millie Ct. home they welled up as he told my brother and I to "be good for my mother" and gave us a quick hug. At the time I thought that that was weird. I remember the backpack on his back and the sun shining from the front door down the hall almost to where we stood. I remember the flicker of his silhouette as he slipped through it and that he left the door open. I also remember standing there with my brother confused and almost immediately my mom came out in her pajamas and muttered the words "and he didn't even say goodbye". I believe the mind is a pretty powerful thing; I was four years old and I remember that moment like it was yesterday. Somehow I knew it was a pivotal time in my four year old life.

 I would never change my experience for anything. I know with every bone in my body that I would not be the woman I am today had he not left and I love who I am. As Jenna would say "ship happens", you have to deal with the hand you have been dealt and move on. That is what I have done. I feel blessed that I have found a husband who is patient with me and realizes that I come to our relationship with a very different view. I feel pretty blessed that the man who has had the most positive influence on my life is my husband, not many women have the opportunity to say that. Robert will never be like my father. He will never walk away from our beautiful daughter no matter where our chips fall and I am so thankful for that. Marilyn may have her own pain, but she will never know that kind of pain and I am very thankful for that.

xoxo

John Mayer's Daughters

At the Alameda Flea Market

Carrying her so she could take in all the sights.

A nap together.

A glowing daddy.

A nap before we took her home.

TT - The Vitality of Motherhood

It is very rare that I rock Marilyn to sleep. Since she has found her thumb and learned to soothe herself our bedtime routine consists of feed, change into jammies, feed, set her in her crib, a silent I love you through smiles and a rub of the belly then door closed. She may fuss for a few minutes, never longer than five, and it is never a cry, but generally she goes down quietly. Naps can vary though they sometimes take on a similar routine without the pajamas. Last night however, I rocked her to sleep. She had a hard time going down, probably due to a busy day, a shorter than usual afternoon nap, and the possibility of a cold hoovering. I so appreciate this act, the sway, the time I get to just watch and feel her. Watch how her eyes go back and forth until they get heavier and heavier. Watch her mouth tense and then smile, tense and then smile continuously as she falls deeper and deeper. Feel how heavy she gets as she lets go and just falls into my arms, letting her own dangle as we sway together.

Last night as I rocked her I realized how I have been longing for this reality. My twenties have been somewhat of a struggle for me. I have always felt that something was missing. I went from knowing what I wanted to do with my life to not knowing where I was meant to go. I had some great jobs, and lost some great jobs. I moved around constantly trying to find my place in this world, trying to find out who I really am, and often looking in the wrong places, not bad places but the wrong ones. I found a job that I love, married the man that I love and have surrounded myself with wonderful friends and family, but deep down I felt there was something missing. Something within myself that I just could not fill. As I rocked Marilyn to sleep I realized that that thing that was missing was in my arms. That emptiness wasn't really empty but it was a longing, an internal longing that I had to be a mother. Something greater than I could have ever expected. There are still things I desire in life, like that Parisian flat, but this is something I do not believe I could have lived without. I am so thankful that I am able to experience this aspect of life.

Marilyn on a cold morning watching me make some tea.

Snuggled up in her bedtime gear, don't you just love the pouty lip?

TT - Technology

Super quick post this week as I am swamped with work, our client had her bathroom demoed over the weekend and this was the first we had heard that she wanted to do it over. The conversation Monday morning went, "So Malcom (her contractor) said I would save about $700 if I demoed the bathroom this weekend, so I did it. Can you help me put it back together?" Wow :) I am thankful this week for technology.
It has its ups and downs, but most are up for this (part-time) working mama. I am able to work from home so I can capture these moments, literally!

Can you guess what she did, again??

Please excuse the messy bed :)

One year ago.....

Happy Anniversary! It has been one busy year.

All photos by Laura Villasenor

What are we going to do next year? ;)

Thankful Thursdays - Breastfeeding

As I was cleaning up the kitchen this evening I felt an overwhelming feeling of thankfulness. No its not Thanksgiving yet, but I have been blessed in so many aspects of my life and they are more clear now that I am a mother. Inspired by this evening and trying to savor the moments like my last post I have decided to start a Thankful Thursday ritual. My goal is to reflect on one thing each week. It will make me get here to catalog all these moments, the thoughts that race through my head and help me embrace the present. I plan to still post at other times about more than what I am thankful for.

To start I am very thankful that I have the ability and opportunity to breastfeed. After my post about getting settled you would think I hated it. Robert noted that I didn't paint a very pretty picture about breastfeeding, but the truth is it is not what I had expected it to be. But now that I am 12 weeks in I love it. I love that I can soothe her, feed her, and watch her grow during this magical time. It not only makes my heart melt, but some of her funniest moments and most of her personality really comes out during this time.

Just like she is a noisy sleeper she can be a very noisy eater. There are moments when she lets out these very girly sighs as she is eating and other times these sloppy snorty smacky noises come from her. I think she is her noisiest when her Daddy is trying to get some sleep nearby :) Watching her facial expressions tell me so much about her. For instance many times we arrive at feeding time grumpy and a little frustrated, maybe she is ready for bed or maybe she is just getting up and I am taking too long. Either way her eyes are wide and annoyed, but as soon as she latches on they take on a eagerness and when the milk starts flowing they change to relaxed. Have you ever gotten a massage and you felt so relaxed you let your eye lids sort of fall to a half way open position saying "oh that feels goooood" that sort of what she looks like. It cracks me up.

Robert tells me all the time that I wear my emotions on my face, I express my anger, annoyance, sorrow, and excitement right there. I guess I would make a horrible poker player ;) I have been told by my sister that Marilyn has my facial expressions and I feel like I can read her facial expressions vividly, especially when she is eating. I really love to watch her eyes. Sometimes they dart around looking at the bookcase through my side and arm, sometimes they stare back at me, sometimes she focuses intently on the freckle on my left bicep, or sometimes they are closed. When she takes the time to stare up at me she often will indulge me in a big smile which is adorable! Other times she will furrow her eyebrows and look away, or even funnier she will cover her face with her hand as if I am the stocking paparazzi. This is too funny! There are also the times that she will come off really fast and give out a "whaaa" and then go immediately back on as if it never happened. This makes me giggle tremendously, what is with that? Is she trying to tell me she doesn't like squash etc? Ha! I just love that she has so much personality even though she is so young.

Next thing that I love about breastfeeding is it gives me a chance to see how much she has grown. I don't mean size wise although you can really see it as her feet hang lower and lower off the side of the rocking chair, but I can see it in her movements. I told you about her Michael Phelps arms, and it is these arms that communicate how much she is developing. She started with this almost blinded feelings, like someone trying to walk down the hall when the power has gone out. Then there were the fist slaps, literally her flying fist would hit me as she was eating (this would eventually calm down as she ate more). Then there were the straight up punches. She would take her fist and punch it into me as if to get the milk flowing. One of my favorites has been the full on slap, probably because it reminds me of a drinking game a minor showed this old lady. "Slap the Pig" as it is called, involves a boxed wine, slapping hands, and lets just say you better hope you are not getting a demonstration on brand new wood floors :) Of course if this is what Marilyn is doing that would entail that I am a pig, I am not sure I like that too much. But either way she seems again to be seeking an increase in the flow. See the "tap" runs a little slower at times and this frustrates her. Her newest hand/arm movement is really sweet, she is tickling me almost as if she is playing the piano. Little fingers moving up and down then grasping lightly. It is really sweet.

Lastly I am thankful for breastfeeding because it has created such an amazing bond between us. She needs me for food and for now is able to get that nourishment only from me. That in itself is amazing. The fact that she is living off of me is just somewhat unbelievable. She knows me, searches out for me, and is comforted by me. She can be beside herself and I have the ability to calm her. When she got her first set of vaccinations and was HYSTERICAL from the shots, I was able to calm her. It's wonderful and is why Robert gets so nervous when I talk about leaving him alone with her to do something else.

When I was having all those nursing issues to start I used to say "Men should at least be able to breastfeed". I felt like their role was so minor in this whole process and if I had to endure the pain of labor he could at least endure some of the pain of breastfeeding. However, that pain has pretty much subsided and I am left with this "magical" experience (no wonder everyone says what they do about it) that I would not give up for anything, even the lotto!

xoxo

Tummy time after breakfast.

Little Moments

Tomorrow Marilyn will be twelve weeks and as I got her out of the car after running some work related errands today I realized how much I love the stage we are at. She is smiling a lot, which is instant gratification, she is cooing, beginning to take on a nap schedule, she has found her thumb, she can hold her head up, and she is grasping things unintentionally. There is something about this baby stage that I just love. I can kiss and snuggle up to her, play with her, yet set her down and know that she won't be chasing Ralphie or pulling something down on herself. I can see that she is on the cusp of the next stage so I am desperately soaking up the moment.

Two weeks ago we visited my parents for Mom's big 5-0 birthday :) and Marilyn was an angel. She slept through the night every night we were there and took these long luxurious naps. She really was on vacation. We were able to get her in the pool, which she loved, twice. You should have seen her in in her lavender polka dot bikini from her Aunt Shelly, she was TOO cute. She even got in with her Uncle Cliff who made her laugh by blowing bubbles at her. She had a great time with her cousin Cameron and even met her new cousin Adelyn (two weeks old). She did some fine dining, farmers market shopping, and bargain hunting as well as lots of socializing, no wonder she slept so well!

It was during this trip that she proved to us that she could push herself up and move her head to look around. This seemed like a huge milestone at the time. The Doctor says that once they can do this be prepared for them to roll over and just yesterday she did. She had been exercising herself during tummy time in a way that looked like she was getting ready. She would normally rock herself almost there and occasionally I'd help her go the extra mile which would result in a few cries. This time however I was just watching her do her thing and then bam she was over, and no tears. I was so excited I sprung off the bed (where we were lying) and began clapping and saying "you did it, you did it, you rolled over". She looked at me like I was nuts, seriously. She has these great eyebrow movements that tell me what she is thinking all the time. Daddy was of course in the other room catching one of his favorite pass times....football. We put her on the bed to see if she would do it again. As soon as we laid her down she rolled over but we are not sure if that was all her or if we were weighing down the bed somehow, it happened so fast. Since then she has not done it, but now we know its possible, so just like sleeping through the night, we can expect it will happen again.

Marilyn's neck is so strong it seems that the only time it needs support is when she is really tired. It sort of flops all over the place, but then again when I get really tired mine does that too :) Now we spend lots of time walking around the house looking and talking about all the things she will someday get into. She has discovered the baby in the mirror and is very flirty with her. The first time she met this baby she realized that her mom was holding this baby and began to cry. Now they meet eyes and many smiles, drool, and the occasional raise of the eyebrows are exchanged. She is also fascinated with what that baby in the mirror is wearing especially the pjs with little flowers or her striped pants. It is so fun to watch. She sends her right arm towards this baby as if to grab her and seems satisfied when it just hits the mirror. When we were having play time with her cousin Cameron this similar action took place, except after a while he was able to grab her and held on to her arm. He is a month older so it is neat to see the differences between them, there is so much when they are so young.

If there is one thing that I could have done differently to prepare for her arrival it is in the nursery. I would have decorated it in Black and White. You are probably thinking "What?!" black and white for a nursery yuck. I am not thinking goth black and white, studs or skulls, think more french stripes. I believe it can be done. But why you ask? Because she absolutely loves things that are contrasting like that. For instance she loves the valance in her nursery, the navy grosgrain against the ivory linen fascinates her. Lately I have been using the pillow made from my grandmother's walking coat to support my back in the rocking chair and as she is supposed to be burping I catch her smiling and flirting with the birds on the pillow. In fact she loves these birds so much I have noticed this new mouthing action when she sees them. I think she is showing some serious excitement and it seems only for them. She smiles, coos or does a half laugh (ha-ea), and then with mouth wide open mouths my shoulder and repeats, all the while her right arm is hitting the birds. This is quickly becoming one of my favorite times. In my office I have a few items made out of a black and white fabric and she loves to stare at these too. Next to light fixtures which are her true love, and maybe the birds on the pillow, she loves anything with a big contrast.

We are having so much fun watching her grow minute by minute. It is truly amazing the changes that occur on a daily basis at this age. We have so many moments to look forward to, but I really want to soak up this time we have, because alas it will someday be gone. Every time I see big kids with their parents I clutch her a little tighter and snuggle my face in her neck rolls soaking up every last bit of her. I have got to before she is so big she can tell me to let go and stop sticking my face in her neck that will no longer smell of tired breast milk.

Asleep in her stroller at farmer's market

Check out those blue eyes,  she is sporting that sweater that took me forever to crochet. It is supposed to be a 6 month size but I am afraid she won't be in it too much longer. Have you ever seen a Christmas Story? Her arms slightly resembled the little brothers on his way to school in the snow in this sweater :)

Me juggling Cameron and Marilyn at Mom's birthday dinner.

Snug in her carseat.

Pushing herself up.

Daddy trying to give her a bottle. It was unsuccessful, but we are working on it.

Here she is at a Labor Day family picnic. She is so big she no longer needs the infant attachment in the stroller :(

Found her thumb.

Exhausted while shopping for a clients home.

Goodbye Swaddle, Hello Errands

Today has been a hard day so I thought there was no better way to end it than to jot down some of the thoughts that have been flowing through this Swiss cheese brain of mine these days. Robert is back to work and boy am I feeling it. I wish I had had the time and energy to write an account for those first crazy days. I believe one day I didn't eat until 3 pm and another I didn't brush my teeth until 5 pm, yikes!! I anticipated that this transition would be hard, but I honestly thought it wouldn't be as testing as it has been.

My husband has a very unusual schedule and a rather demanding job. It seems he is working about 6 days a week, and they don't seem to be consistent either. I knew this before we had a baby. I have lived with a rather erratic schedule for many years now, but that was when I was just me. It rarely bothered me that I would sometimes sleep alone, or have to partake in couples activities as a single. He loves his job, and I like my me time. But having a baby is so different. Sometimes as I am sitting in the rocking chair breastfeeding or walking laps around the living room trying to rock her sleep I miss having someone to talk to, someone that can talk back at least. Or when she is screaming because she doesn't want to go down for a nap that she really needs and I need to go to the bathroom really bad, it would be nice to be able to hand her off for a second, but I can't. With overnight shifts, mandatory overtime, training, court, and pop-up protests I find myself alone with Marilyn a lot. I am not complaining I am just a little off guard at how hard this has been.

I am a patient person. I can wait in line for a long time before getting upset, I was a pre-school teacher, and I rarely get road rage from stop and go traffic. I consider myself very patient, but having parent patience is way more intense than any DMV line or Berkeley during commute hours. It is something that I need to perfect and something that has been thoroughly tested as we have taken this new curve. It was ironic that not only were we getting used to Robert going back to work but we were also transitioning Marilyn out of a swaddle. Apparently you should only swaddle babies up to 2 months as it can cause hip joint issues if done too long, since our little monster as we playfully call her, is as tall as a 4 month old right now we knew that we could not mess around with the swaddle cut off date. However at the same time all of this was happening she began to develop some serious body movement. Her arms flail faster than Michael Phelps on most days and for a newly free sleeper this is not a good thing. Why you ask? Because imagine you can't control your arm movement and that they are flying around at warp speed as you are drifting off to sleep. Your arms are moving and they only have so many directions that they can go when you are lying flat and one of those directions is right at your face. Next add the fact that your hands are 90% of the time in a fist and you can see why this is a nasty combination.

Needless to say she didn't nap for a few days, or she would simply sleep for about 20 mins before she beat herself up enough to cry. Was her arm flailing worse because she was dependent on the swaddle? Who knows, my inclination is yes. See she slept fine without a swaddle when we first brought her home, but she slept longer in the swaddle, and while in the hospital they constantly swaddled her, so we did too. Eventually we were swaddling her for every nap and bedtime until our doctor warned us of the 2 month cut off. So here I was on the day and night shift with a baby who could not sleep, you can imagine the bags under my eyes right? One night I nursed her in bed with me and when she fell asleep, I set her flat on her back and put my arm over her arms so when they flailed they couldn't hit her. After a while I began to worry that the weight of my arm would hinder her breathing, so carefully with my free arm I stacked pillows opposite her for my arm to rest on keeping it off her chest but still blocking her arms. She slept, I caught a little shut eye, but woke with a very stiff arm. Eventually she began to flail a little less in her deep sleep, they still Phelps it up with she is not as deep, but her sleeping has become better. She even slept through the night again close to her 9 week mark!

My mom told me countless times that the biggest shock of being a parent was that you could no longer just "run in" anywhere. That every outing was like you were leaving for vacation. I rolled this off my shoulders thinking it can't be that hard, but alas I was so WRONG! When Robert and I would run errands together often times he would drive around the parking lot while I ran in to grab whatever we needed. We would strategically plan when to leave and have the car packed long before take off. At the grocery store he would have her in one cart while I darted around getting the things off the list with another cart. Now that Robert is back to work and has one day off to spend with us, the last thing we all want to be doing on that day is running errands. So I have been learning to do them on my own.

I am not going to lie I was totally scared to drive in the car with her alone. I can't see her, and no one is there to tell me that she is okay. I can recognize her different cries somewhat at this stage and couldn't fathom being in the car with a hysterical baby. I was too scared. But with the thought of errand running for our family outings looming over my head I bit the bullet strapped her in the car and did it. I needed to find a gift for Marilyn's cousin Ava's first birthday and thought the bookstore in Point Reyes would be great. I could buy the book, walk to the post office to get some stamps, get bread at the local bakery, and grab milk at the little market there. This would require that I find ONE parking space, get her out of the car ONE time, get my items done, and then drive home in one piece. Well as I embarked on this adventure I ran into some serious road construction on my usual route, the gentlemen told me I was looking at a 10min wait before I could pass, she was already fussing. I couldn't do it, 10mins of baby crying in an idle car, no thank you. I turned myself around and rethought my plans. The only other way to Point Reyes would require that I drive to Central Marin and then out to the coast making my 20min drive into more like an hour, again no thank you. So instead I decided to head up to Downtown Petaluma, inland and about a 15 min drive. There I could park equal distance between the market and the bookstore and I could pick up fresh bread at the bakery. The only thing they didn't have was the Post Office which could wait.

I got there, found the perfect spot, and strapped her in the carrier. She fussed as she usually does so I stood on the street corner bobbing up an down to get her to settle before making my way to the bookstore. I got a few funny looks, probably childless people I assumed. She made it through the bookstore and the bakery and even one antique store (her first!). As I began to walk over to the market I realized that I was way over dressed for the hot Petaluma weather, I was planning to go to Point Reyes remember, so the sweat began to set in. Of course the journey to the market was a sunny side walk with juvenile trees. I ditched my purse (in the car) and just carried my debit card as this pack horse is not well enough to be working that hard just yet. I dashed through the market like a lightening bolt grabbing the provisions I had set out to get and it was not until the check out line that she began to cry. I think it must have been a sight to see me with baby strapped on front carrying two groceries bags in wool pants and long sleeves dashing through the parking lot and down the street with sweat streaming from my forehead. I wish someone was filming me especially as I took that shortcut through the plants :) I made it to the car and she and I both were much happier when we finally separated.

It was not until we were approaching our exit on the freeway that she began to wail. You know the hysterical I need to eat right now cry. My heart races every time I hear that cry and this time was no different. And what would you guess happened next? I got stuck behind some annoying person driving 20 mph in a 35 mph zone. Really? Why do people do that? I was ready to throw my shoe at his car, but alas we made it home. I quickly unstrapped her to get her in the house and on the boob, when I realized I had milk in the car. What to do, what to do...screaming baby and milk on a hot day. I grabbed her and ran her in the house and strapped her in her chair then ran back out to the car and grabbed the groceries. Threw the milk in the fridge and whisked her away to feed. We were home, we made it, and the best thing is that I realized I could do it. I could run errands on my own and now I am getting pretty good at it. I have even made several trips in one day!

Yes, I would like a pat on the back ;)

We spent our family day having a picnic in West Marin instead of running errands. Here she is on the picnic in the carrier asleep :) She slept through her first picnic.

Robert and Marilyn catching a morning nap together. She kept scooting herself closer and closer to him until she was buried in his chest, so precious.

Giggly in the morning.

Check out those blue eyes.

So cute.

Pouting lips :)